


Starchild

by ha_na_mi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Philosophy, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 06:36:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8361232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ha_na_mi/pseuds/ha_na_mi
Summary: Yamaguchi changed and Tsukishima painfully realizes that this is really bothering him.
Suddenly he feels like he has to bring more into their friendship than before. But how do you do that if you don't have any clue about interacting with people?What's wrong with Yamaguchi?And what's wrong with him to not have cared at all about their friendship until this very moment?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)   
> I'm ha-na-mi and this is my first submission to AO3. I usually write in German, so please feel free to correct any grammar/spelling mistakes. If someone wants to proofread my future projects, I would be very happy! Also, if you have any suggestions for more Tsukkiyama stories, let me know!

"You are not… like… usual."

That was everything Tsukishima could say. It had cost him so much effort to get to this point of the conversation and now he ruined it.  
Yamaguchi stared at him with a look that wasn't empty, but full of things the other didn't understand. It felt like there was a big secret standing between them and Tsukishima had a hard time admitting, that he was very interested in revealing it. 

His best friend has always been easy to read, or at least he could easily make the impression that he was. He talked openly about his feelings, always letting him know what he was thinking, wheter Tsukishima asked for it, or not.

He made jokes he knew nobody would understand, but he felt enough joy for just saying something. Generally, Yamaguchi felt joy for a lot of things. Or at least it always seemed like that. 

Meanwhile he rather made the impression of having aged a lot and confirming to rules that didn't even apply to both of them.   
Yamaguchi placed the strap of his sportbag on his shoulder again, it constantly slid off his side. He didn't really had an upright posture and was slouching beside him at this very moment which made him seem even smaller than he was. 

"Hm.", was the only thing Yamaguchi had to say to this, as he was staring into the sky. Tsukishima didn't know if his look had a meaning behind it, like he was trying to act like an adult or if his mind was just absent. But he knew it was not his time to step into his best friends world.   
Yamaguchi made the decision a long time ago to get more and more reserved and even Tsukishima, who usually didn't notice such things was feeling that the athmosphere between the two had changed. He coulnd't really tell, why.   
Even a few of the other team members already asked him about it, but he had no answer. 

As if he could also get a bit more reserved, he sticks his hands into his pockets. Usually he doesn't really like to talk about feelings and all that stuff, but with Yamaguchi it's a bit easier.   
To really listen to someone attentively, that's a thing he has only achieved with his best friend, and now that Yamaguchi doesn't talk at all he felt the need to put his headphones on, which were usually hanging on his shoulders, when they were walking together It feels like he had to cancel out the silence.   
Silence usually meant you would need to deal with what's left over 

And the only thing that was left was Yamaguchi, who adjusted his bag once again and pulled a bit on his collar. His dark eyes fixated the street in front of them, his long lashes layed significantly above his iris. It was summer and his freckles were clearly prominent across his face and the only question Tsukishima had about this regard is, how this skin would feel under his fingertips if he were to caress it. 

It seemed like the freckles also wanted to hide something, which was actually laying under them. Sometimes Yamaguchi gave the impression of a fairy, but that's something Tsukishima could never confess to him. Still he can't help imagining Yamaguchi walking through a forest of a lot of very thin trees, nimbly setting one foot in front of the other, happily dancing through the leaveson the ground. His dark brown, messy hair completed the picture he was painting in his head and he had to shake it to chase away this thought. 

"Sorry.", the brown haired fairy said, but it sounded like he didn't mean it.   
Tsukishimas backpack was sticking uncomfortably against his back, he'd rather take a quick break from walking. They already walked half the way, which meant…  
"See you tomorrow."  
"Yeah, see ya."

Yamaguchi raised his hands shortly, but wasn't even looking at him. Again, a missed chance. Tsukishima felt helpless. Usually he wasn't the one initiating things. Why did he feel under such pressore, to be the initiating one, now?  
He was too confused to go straight home and face all the questions of his mother and his brother. 

'How was school?'  
'Things seem strange between Yamaguchi and me…'  
'How's volleyball?'  
'Yamaguchi and me aren't practising together that much the last few days…'  
'How did you like your meal?'  
'He didn't even sit at my table to eat together…'

But maybe it was exactly that. All these years Yamaguchi always came to his table. Always telling him stuff. Everything. And he was listening. Always letting Yamaguchi entertain him.   
Maybe this was getting on his best friends nerves.   
Tsukishima took a turn into the next street and started wandering around. He passed coach Ukais store, he passed a bakery, some other shops and suddenly found himself inside the many stores of the train station.   
He looked around in a souvenir-shop, walked through every aisle, but found nothing that felt right. Nothing that could help him at all. 

'Tsukki, I brought some milk for you, too!'  
'Tsukki, these are some lucky charms from the shrine!'  
'Tsukki, do you already have the new album? I bought it for you!'

'Tsukki!'

Suddenly he was holding a small keychain in his hand. A little bird, he guessed it was either a crow or a blackbird. He tilted his head.  
'Hey, Tadashi.'  
That alone sounded wrong in his head.   
'We have that big game on Sunday and I thought… I would return your favor of gifting me that lucky charm…'

His fingers twitched, he put the keychain back. What should he do with that?  
Girls who are best friends could give each other presents every time. They could call each other and talk and text all day long.  
It felt wrong wanting to do that to Yamaguchi. Even if he would really really deserve more attention.   
With a strange feeling in his stomach he finally walked home. He was sure that everything he WASN'T doing, he would loses something.   
It wasn't about what he did, it was about doing anything at all. Because in the last days, weeks, years he did…. Nothing. Always relying on Yamaguchi. Thinking friendships like this will stay like that forever without even putting any effort.   
But slowly the feeling overcame him, that he did something very very wrong. 

Like he was paralyzed he let the evening pass and waited for the next day.   
"Morning."  
"Morning."  
He had to swallow.   
How did this miserable conversation sound to other people? Why does he care? Why did he hear the voice of his mother in his head?  
'Honey, don't talk to Tadashi like that!'  
In the same moment he was thinking this, Yamaguchi sighed. Tsukishima stopped his movements. 

"We have a long training session today, right?"  
Inside, he was nearly choking. Even Yamaguchi seemed dazed because of his strange choice of words and the fact that Tsukishima initiated a conversation. 

"Y… yes.", he murmured, but it didn't sound shy, it sounded disturbed.   
Yamaguchi pressed his eyes together. They just have passed a hill and the sun was shining directly in their faces. 

Maybe Yamaguchi wasn't a fairy, more like a god. The god of the sun. He seemed to stand above everything, which irritated Tsukishima, but fascinated him at the same time.   
"Are you…" '… nervous?', he wanted to ask, but he realized how stupid this whole thing was. Yamaguchi knew. And normally he would have made fun of Tsukishimas bad conversation skills, but this time he kept quiet and stared at the ground, to avoid looking into the sun.  
Tsukishima felt like he was losing parts of himself and the fact that Yamaguchi also had changed so much, let the anxiety in him grow even bigger. He feared that both of them would part their ways really soon.   
Which wasn't that unusual for boys in their age, but Tsukishima had this slight feeling that Yamaguchi would probably deal a lot better with not being friends than him. 

Until know it had been very pleasant to just go with the flow, pushing each other slightly in the right - and same - direction, but now it seemed like Yamaguchi had walked so far away in front of him that Tsukishima could never catch up to him.   
He took a big gulp out of his watterbottle and put his sportsbag in his other hand, which created even more distancebetween him and his best friend. 

"Would you like to… do something today? After training?"  
"After training?, Tsukishima asked very surprised, because of the other suddenly suggesting such a thing. His heart was beating a bit faster and he felt a tiny spurt of hope growing inside him.   
"I know it's late. But I would really like to… walk around a bit… with you."

Tsukishima raised an eyebrow, but while thinking about something bitchy to say he realized that this was the complete wrong strategy. Now wasn't the time to make a snide remak.   
"Just walking a bit?", he was asking instead in an almost forgiving tone, while he noticed his voice sounding even more insecure than Yamaguchis.   
"Yeah.", Yamaguchi answered like it wasnothing, but Tsukishima noticed him being insecure as well. 

His gaze strictly forward he could see the side of the cheeks of his best friend slowly turning bright red. Yamaguchi was trying to keep his lips calm, but he didn't miss the small shaking between breaths.   
He was happy that the other wanted to do something with him, but he still felt like something was wrong, which put him kind of down again.   
Usually he would make a witty remark about how stupid it sounded to walk together at night, but he felt like this was probably the wrong approach no.   
"Sounds like a great plan. I don't like spending too much time at home anyway.", he added, even if this wasa lie. As if he had to justify his choice to spend time with him. As if he coulnd't just say 'Yeah, Tadashi! I'd really like to spend time with you! Look at me, I'm Tsukishima and I have feelings!'  
Yamaguchi was just smiling slightly and seemed to be back into his thoughts not even a second later.   
At first it seemed a bit unreal, but in the course of the day Tsukishima began asking himself what the other was planning to do, and how he should interpret his whole behaviour. Taking a walk? With Yamaguchi? At night, after training?

What kind of a sitation was this and what did it mean?  
Kind of helplessly he was standing at Yamaguchis desk at the end of school, waiting that his bestfriend would finally pack all his stuff into his bag, so they could head to the gym. This gesture alone made the blonde feel like he was too pushy. As if this wasn't his real personality, as if he had to be ashamed. Yamaguchi raising an eyebrow at him didn' really help with this.   
Tsukishima thought about just going alone, when Yamaguchi finally raised with his bags on his shoulder.   
Perplexed Tsukishima noticed that his fists were really tense and shaky. A feeling he never knew before spread from his stomach into his whole body. It felt really awkward and Tsukishima, who was usually good in suppressing his feelings, got a bit overwhelmed and stood still. Staring at Yamaguchi. 

"What is it, Tsukki?"  
Tsukishima didn't even bother beginning a sentence and unapologetically stared at Yamaguchis face.   
"I… have to go to the teachers room… See you at the gym!"  
It seemed like Yamaguchi wanted to flee from him. But who could blame him? Tsukishima also acted really strange. This whole situation was… strange.   
While he watched the slender figure of his best friend disappearing into the teachers roo, he realized he could call himself really lucky for having the chance to look at Yamaguchi every day. He asked himself how it would have felt grabbing Yamaguchis arm and pulling him towards him, but it was too late for that now.   
Tsukishima felt so passive that he had to ask himself if he was even alive anymore. 

He still didn't know how freckles felt like. 

At the gym he felt naked in his training shorts and the shirt and he felt even more vulnerable while watching his best friend brushing with his fingers through his sweaty hair.  
It seemed like life would always challenge him to take part in it, waking up from his lethargy, but it also seemed like there was a stone tied to his feet. A very very big stone.   
His body felt even more undynamic as usual, his limbs too long to properly control them and it didn't even took him two minutes during blocking practice, to slip on the floor and land on the ground with a big slam.   
He, Tsukishima. He fell. In front of everyone.   
Hinatas and Kageyamas laughing hurt even more than usual, even the sympathetic grins from the third years would sting. And he never considered this possible, but his cheeks started getting heated because of the redness. 

"Are you ok, Tsukki?"  
There was a sting that reconciled him with the world faster than he had thought. It smoothed his facial features, clearing his head a bit.  
"I'm ok."  
He let himself get pulled up and noticed Tadashis hand being as sweaty as his. And warm.   
His fingers were shorter, the nails longer. The skin was soft and warm, the back of his hand covered with a few light freckles. 

It was only the hand of his best friend but it felt like as if it pulled him into another world. A world that was fundamentally the same. But in this world, something happens.   
In this world his teammates laughed and he laughed with them. In this world Yamaguchi grinned - FINALLY, he grinned! - and Tsukishima grinned back. In this world his right hand was warmer than his left, because Yamaguchi took his and held it firmly.   
Tsukishima felt like breathing out air that he didn't even know his lungs contained. His muscles slacked, but he felt so stable at the same time.   
Attentively he watched Asahi getting the ball back, which rolled in the corner of the room. Everyone got back to their positions. 

Yamaguchi also got back to the side of the field, back to his stoic stare.   
Tsukishima wanted to see this grin again. Hold this hand againd. And maybe even more.   
Within one small minute he even started getting excited for the little walk they are going to have later. He was curious about what this day could possibly bring.   
Yamaguchi acted distand again, even in the locker room, while they were changing and packing their stuff. Tsukishima forbid himself to take a look at his best friend. Where could he possibly have more freckles? And why didn't he know? How could it be that they knew each other for so long, but he felt the hands of his best friend today for the first time?!  
He took a long sip out of his bottle, knowing that he was just wasting time. 

"Are we going?", Yamaguchi asked, nearly demanding and Tsukishima felt kinda guilty, because he was so easy to see through.   
The air outside cooled their heads and Tsukishima decided to watch and observe first. The sky. The direction Yamaguchi was taking. Whatever he had to say to him. If he even had something to say.   
It felt like he waited until they were out of earshot from the others. This suspicion was quickly confirmed when Tsukishima saw Asahis and Sugawaras curious looks. Did they know something? Has Yamaguchi talked to them?

What did he have to confess or tell that this situation felt so strange? There was something in the air. Shivering a bit, Tsukishima put his hands in his pockets again and stared in Yamaguchis face to figure out, what is going on. He was probably debating in his head how he could start a conversation. Maybe he wasn't thinking but just enjoying their time together.   
Something Tsukishima felt like he had to do more often.

 

"Tsukki…", Yamaguchi started quietly, but besides the steady steps of them that was the only sound Tsukishima was aware of. His senses felt sharpened and curious he observed how some fine hairs, which sticked to the sides of Yamaguchis face, started swaying together with the wind.   
It still didn't feel like it was his time to talk, so he just walked a bit faster, to get closer to Yamaguchi. 

"I want… to quit Volleyball."

At first he wanted to nod. That was understandable. Yamaguchis prograss was so slow that it felt like he was just wasting time and not getting enough results to justify always training so hard.   
But then he thought about their training together. How Yamaguchi grew in the last few months - even if no one really noticed.   
He thought about falling to the floor and getting picked up by the hand of his best friend. 

"No.", seemed like the only logical response to that and it slid so easy through his lips, that Yamaguchi seemed really surprised. He started laughing and while laughing a few tears rolled down his cheeks. Tears which Tsukishima hadn't even noticed. Yamaguchis upper body was shaking a bit and he coulnd't tell if it was because of his laughing or his crying.   
Irritated he stopped walking and crossed his arms. He felt like every small gesture could lead to bring this little ball - which was his best friend - to burst. He'd rather do nothing. 

"I'm… not good enough. I don't want to waste my time into the team while no one is having any benefits out of it. I'd rather do nothing.", he suddenly responed. It was obvious that he still fought with his tears.   
Tsukishima, who was a bit frightened because of his best friends sudden emotional breakdown, felt his fists tightening and shaing again. Like his best friends'. Tsukishima was also a little ball… That was even closer to bursting.   
And while he realized this it didn't took him even a second to understand this whole misery.   
As if he just had some enlightening, he put his hands on Yamaguchis shoulders and stared at him with eyes wide open.   
Yamaguchi, who was not used to his best friend showing such a range of feelings, twitched and sniveled shakily which nearly made Tsukishima laugh. 

His heart was beating even faster now, but he forbid his body to give up just now. No more falling today! There was something he needed to tell Yamaguchi!  
"It doesn't matter what you do! And how bad you do it! What's important is that you do something!"  
Yamaguchi tilted his head, he didn't really seem to understand at first what was driving Tsukishima at this very moment. So his best friend tried again:  
"Doing nothing makes people unhappy! Just look at me!"  
He spread his arms and Yamaguchi was smiling shyling. Was he scaredof him? Did he need to call the police? Or the hospital? Should he laugh or cry?  
"Can't you see whats happening here?"  
Yamaguchi raised his eyebrows and shook his head, while Tsukishima wanted so badly to make Yamaguchi feel the same way he did. 

"I don't do ANYTHING the whole day.", Tsukishima started explaining and put his hands on his best friends shoulders again.   
"But you're good at school and you're a good Volleyball player and you like-", Yamaguchi whispered and couldn't quite hold his pitch. His eyes were as wide as Tsukishimas.   
"You would always tell me about your day and I wouldn't tell ANYTHING. You let others know about your feelings and I DON'T. You actually put effort in getting better at volleyball and I DON'T."  
The grip of his hands got tighter.   
"But you are better at volleyball…", Yamaguchi replied.   
"But I am more unhappy!"

Yamaguchi closed his eyes for a short moment. It was getting dark and this conversation took a turn he would never have expected.   
"Someone, who works harder on himself and lets others actually participate in his life is LIVING more! I'm more or less coincidentally good at volleyball. But do you know what I really really suck at?"  
He raised his hands again and smacked Yamaguchis shoulders again.   
"Friendship."  
Tsukishimas deep and nearly grown up voice put more pressure on what he was saying and Yamaguchi swallowed, because he had always thought the same but never told his best friend. 

"You're… right.", he answered and giggled sheepishly, lowering his gaze. Although he agreed with what Tsukishima said about himself a bit of tension fell off of him, something that Tsukishima also noticed. Automatically his voice got softer.   
"You are not going to quit Volleyball. You are going to regret it. You always regret what you didn't do. You rarely regret what you do. Akiteru always told me this and I always thought it was just another lame quote, but… I feel like it's true. I feel it."  
Yamaguchi raised his eyebrows again, but it was more of an gesture to keep his best friend talking.   
"You are going to regret it, Yamaguchi. You know it. I also regret…"

Tsukishima thought about all the opportunities where he could have grabbed the arm of his best friend. See, where he has freckles, except for on his face. He could have gifted him so many lucky charms. Buy him so much drinks. He had so many opportunities to tell his best friend about his feelings. Stories, he would have really liked to tell, but now it's too late. 

Their friendship could have been so deep, like an anchor. Now it's more like gum, hanging on a string that gets thinner every second. Wasted. Like there wasn't anything new to come. Like that was it.   
This thought made Tsukishima tear up and he quickly brushed it away with his fist, while the other hand still rested on Yamaguchis shoulder. 

"What do you regret?", his best friend asked curiously and Tsukishima got a bit mad at first that he didn't know. But he couldn't know. Because he never told.   
"We could have been such good friends.", he answered truthfully.   
He wanted to say what he was feeling, but it was probably too late for that. But he felt like he was guilty. He couldn't change the past and has to live knowing about all these missed opportunities.   
But maybe life was going to give him a chance to live, whitout putting on a show. Without putting up walls.   
"But we are friends!"  
"We are just acquaintances…"

Thant sounded cold and numb, but he knew that he uncovered Yamaguchis lie with this.   
"You know that, too. Between us theres… something else.You can't really call us friends."  
He expected Yamaguchi to leave him right here and never speak to him again. That something cold and numb would follow after this. That he destroyed this relationship.   
"And YOU want to talk me out of quitting volleyball?"  
Yamaguchi catched Tsukishimas hand, which was sliding along his shoulders and arm with his own. And held it tight.   
"You are giving up on me at this very moment!", he explained, but his voice was so full of faith, that Tsukishimas cheeks got red. Again. It was as if Yamaguchi knew that Tsukishima could never give up on their friendship. Like Yamaguchi wasn't giving up on volleyball.   
"Don't… do that.", he added shyly and looked at him with wide eyes. His look had so many messages in it, which Tsukishima had to read. 

He read sadness, but also trust. Saw their future. Together. Felt the expectation, Yamaguchi had now.   
A single last tear was just now rolling down Yamaguchis cheeks and Tsukishima wiped it away. Carefully, with his thumb, while Yamaguchi still held his hand.   
Yamaguchis hands are not always warm. They can also be cold. But it was a pleasant, refreshing newness he was feeling. His skin was smooth, as clear as the stars in a night free of clouds, soft like the cushions on his sofa at home. 

In the iris of his best friend Tsukishima recognized the starlit sky above him and together with all the freckles on his cheeks which seemed more prominent then ever because of the light of the streetlamps, Tsukishima understood that Yamaguchi wasnt a fairy or the god of the sun. 

He was a starchild.


End file.
